Bride and Prejudice Page 13
But she could hope something was in Jillian’s room that would give her courage and strength. Immersing herself in her mom’s things would most likely bolster her pride. She needed that more than anything.
Plus... if Tessa really did want to leave, she needed to get the personal effects out of the apartment so JJ could sell it or rent it out. One way or the other, she’d told him she was leaving. So she would leave. She had to.
If she sold her half of the restaurant to JJ and as much as they could of Jillian’s things, Tessa would have enough money to leave Bride and start over somewhere else. She could invest in her own business and have more than the Sinclair name to lean on.
She’d just pushed away the last good reason to be in Bride.
Nathan didn’t say anything as he followed Tessa into the back room, his shoulders slouched forward.
Tessa quirked her eyebrow at him, but he didn’t notice. Disinterestedly he approached the long walnut dresser that wasn’t more than three feet tall but had enough drawers to span the length of one wall. He fiddled with a small fluffy craft ball sitting amidst many other trinkets and stacks of papers.
The day Tessa had left flooded her memory as she looked around her mom’s room at the four-poster bed and the filing cabinet beside it. The closet doors half-open and the laundry basket empty just inside. The carpet was dingy but clean and her mother’s oldest robe hung from a hook to the side of the door.
Jillian’s familiar scent wafted over Tessa and she lifted her hand, placing the back of it against her mouth. She didn’t need to lose it right there in front of Nathan. She was close to an emotional upheaval after just telling JJ she was leaving – again – and not having completely dealt with Jillian’s death.
Would she have a breakdown in front of her son? She couldn’t afford to. He didn’t need that.
“Mom, look! Can I play with it?” Nathan held up an old car with a string attached to it. Tessa didn’t reach for it. She had plenty of memories with the old pull along toy. She’d forgotten all about the play thing her dad had given her when she was barely big enough to walk. She’d played with it long after he left and thought she’d lost it.
Nodding, she swallowed. It was probably for the best that Nathan wasn’t in there helping her organize things. She was too raw emotionally to be worth much with him around as well.
After he jumped up and disappeared to the non-carpeted floor of the kitchen, Tessa looked around. Overwhelmed at the sheer number of things, she shook her head. Where did she start?
A long trunk sat at the end of the bed. The old steamer style was easy to recognize with its curved wooden slats and metal panels. The lock was jammed upward in a permanently open position, offering a handle of sorts.
Avoiding her mother’s closet of clothes and the file cabinet which was probably filled with more bills than Tessa wanted to confront, Tessa crouched in front of the trunk. She placed her hands on the cool metal of the lock and lifted gently.
The lid opened without much effort or noise. Shaking off the strange sensation that she was prying into her mom’s private matters, Tessa rolled her shoulders. Peeking inside, Tessa lifted herself up on her knees so she could reach in better. The contents were neatly arranged in small stacks and tucked into the corners and against the sides to fit better.
Memory books, photo albums, and small jewelry boxes lined the bottom of the trunk. Black covers with dates and events declared which albums belonged to when. Tessa didn’t feel like looking at pictures. She’d already seen more of her mother in that box than she could handle without more guilt crushing her.
The albums were a surprise and more of a draw then Tessa thought possible. She couldn’t help herself as she reached in anyway and pulled one out. Flipping the pages, she smiled at the different ages her mom had captured on film.
She was suddenly caught up in the addicting time warp of memories. Flipping through book after book, she sniffed at the moments she’d forgotten about.
What was wrong with her? She’d always complained about it just being her mom and her, but looking back she couldn’t remember ever feeling like she was without. Her mom had gone above and beyond to make sure she had enough – food, clothing, toys, and love.
Tessa had never lacked in the love department.
The last album was the smallest and it was tucked on end closest to the front of the trunk. Tessa picked it up to pull onto her lap. A folded piece of paper fell from its pages to the ground by Tessa’s knee.
Curious and more than a little apprehensive, Tessa sank to her rear end and cautiously pinched her fingers onto the corner of the paper. Opening it gingerly, Tessa blinked at the small handwriting she recognized of her mother’s.
She recognized her own name at the top and she pressed her palm over her mouth as she read.
Dear Tessa,
We’ve both said some things in the past. I know I said a lot more than I should have. I know we didn't mean how we said anything to each other that day. I can’t even remember half of what you said, but I remember every syllable I said and the words still hurt.
It's been so long since you left. I wonder if you’ll ever come back.
Most likely, though, if you’re reading this, I’m gone. Hopefully, you’re reading this because I died very old and you came back soon after I wrote this. If my prayers are answered, you came back and lived with me for a while. I got to see my grandchild and we were happy again. Hopefully, I died in my sleep and the only reason you’re reading this is because I forgot to throw it in the garbage after you came back.
I hope.
Regardless, I can’t call you up and tell you I've been having heart problems. The quack doctor over in Meridiville says it's inevitable that I'll have another heart attack. The last one was small. No one even knew about it. But he said my next one could drop me.
He’s a Doc in a Box though, so I’m not sure how much I believe of what he’s saying. I must believe enough though to get wrapped up in melancholy and alcohol to write you this.
He didn’t even say when or if it will certainly happen. Either way, I hope you get home before it does. I want to meet my grandchild. I want to hug my daughter.
If you don't make it back before I go, just know you're forgiven. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you did. When Greg abandoned us, I didn’t believe in love for the longest time. I met someone, much like I believe Ellora did, but I wasn’t open. I turned him away when I realized I was falling for him. I didn’t want to be vulnerable like that again.
Living with that regret is one of the worst pains of my life.
I hope you forgive me. I’m sorry, if I ever made you feel like what you want didn’t matter. I’m sorry I argued with you about keeping the baby and getting married. I wasn’t right. I was wrong. Do you hear that? I’m wrong. It’s not something I admit to often.
Tessa, my girl, don't be like me. Don't let your pride hold you back from happiness. Jeremiah is a good man. I should not have pushed you from him.
Love is the greatest thing that you can ever have in your life. You were in love before you got married. You would've stayed in love after.
I got married because I had to. Getting pregnant was an accident that we had to fix back then with marriage. It just wasn’t the acceptable thing to be pregnant and unwed.
But let me be very clear. You were never the accident. You were the only good thing that came out of that fiasco with my husband.
I'm sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry for everything.
Please, come home.
Little girl, don't be me...
Be mushy. Jeremiah loves you. Don't let pride ruin your life, like I did mine.
I love you, sweet girl.
Mom
Tears streamed down Tessa's face. She lowered the letter to her lap.
What had she done? What had her pride allowed her to be a part of? She’d wallowed in her “rightness” for so long, she’d missed out on everything she needed.
Her mom loved her.
And Tessa had left her mom. The last seven years were wasted and Tessa was stupid to stay away. How much had they both missed out on?
Because of Tessa’s pride.
What was she going to miss out on, if she didn’t put her pride aside and meet Jeremiah at least half-way? She’d already taken so much from all of them by leaving and not facing what she needed to.
Could she put her pride aside and beg Jeremiah to give her another chance? Even when she didn’t deserve it?
She couldn't leave. There was too much history there. She couldn't take Nathan away from JJ. She couldn’t leave her mom’s restaurant. She had to make a go of it.
Tessa had to stop waffling. She had to make a decision and stick with it. She glanced toward the doorway. Noises of Nathan pulling the toy across the floor and his laughter cemented her decision. She had to be a better person. She had to dump her pride and seek happiness.
What if JJ didn’t want her anymore? What if she’d run too many times? What if it was too late?
She rushed from the room, clutching the letter in her hand. Passing Nathan in the kitchen, she grabbed her shoes.
Startled, Nathan put the toy down and watched her quizzically.
“Come on, Nathan. Let's go.” Tessa pulled on one of her shoes, sitting on the couch to make it easier. She glanced at him still standing there, watching her. “Grab your shoes, come on!”
“Where are we going?” He slowly did as she said and put his shoes on at the top of the stairs.
“We're going to get you a dad.” His real dad. Tessa didn’t know how but she’d make sure their family was a functioning one, if not a joined one. She’d do whatever it took to get JJ to give her a fiftieth chance. If he didn’t want her, she’d take it as long as he wanted Nathan.
She smiled as Nathan raised his fist into the air and pumped it up and down. Securing her car keys in her grasp, she jingled them at her side as they all but skipped down the stairs.
Would she find him? Had she lost everything?
She held her breath as she refolded the letter up and tucked it in her back jeans pocket. She’d try to keep her mom’s letter as good luck close to her.
Tessa needed all the help she could get.
Chapter 20
Tessa
Not more than a week had passed by since Tessa’s last contemplative drive through Bride. The anxiety was high again but for different reasons. She didn’t want to return the last time and now she didn’t want to leave. She glanced around the sidewalks and businesses as she passed. Where would he go?
Nathan bounced in the seat beside her, straining against his seatbelt as he tried to see over the doorsill. “Which guy are you going with? Will I like him?”
Tessa didn’t know how to break it to her son that finding a dad and husband wasn’t as easy as window shopping.
Pulling into the parking spots of the law offices, Tessa peered toward the window. A large “Closed” sign set at an angle showed no one was in the building. He wasn’t there. She got out and walked around the back to knock on the door, but no one answered.
She returned to the car and flopped into the driver’s seat.
Where would he go? What if she failed at getting JJ? She’d have to tell Nathan that he wasn’t getting a dad. Curse her big mouth.
They circled the town, searching the streets along the outside of the town first and then moving closer to the center.
Her desperation mounted. If she had to, Tessa would jump through the fountain in the center of Bride’s town square. She’d put all the legends and myths to use and combine them all, just to see if she could find JJ and have another chance with him.
Pulling up to Two Cups on the corner of Main, Tessa slid into the first open spot she saw. Climbing from the car, she ducked her head to see Nathan still in the seat. “Come on, Nathan. Let's go see the fountain.” She would tell him about JJ’s role as his father there. She’d have a lot of explaining to do. How much would he understand? How much did she tell him?
He didn't ask questions as he bounded out and followed behind her. Nathan skipped along the sidewalk until he came to the crosswalk where he jumped from faded white rectangle to faded white rectangle painted on the black asphalt.
Tessa’s own hope seemed to fade the further she got from the car. Reaching into her pocket, she fingered two quarters. The wishes would be expensive ones but that would work just fine. Maybe the more they threw in, the more weight their wishes would carry. Tessa needed all the help she could get.
The fountain and statue were centered in a grassy park area surrounded with benches and flowers. Ellora lorded it over the town with her graceful form and the bronze dress blowing in an eternal breeze.
Tessa and Nathan approached Ellora. Tessa reached down and handed Nathan a quarter. She pointed toward the clear waters under the town’s founder. “Let's go make a wish.”
Running through the water naked wasn’t appropriate for the middle of the day, but Tessa was tempted. For all intents and purposes, throwing the coins in would help with the luck the town believed so fully in. Whenever Tessa had seen Ellora’s statue with its bronze shape and sturdy form, she’d been filled with an all-consuming hope. That hope overwrote her wistfulness now and she knew she just had to have faith.
Was her faith strong enough to change their life?
Standing at the cement edge of the natural spring fountain, Tessa glanced up at the optimistic expression formed in Ellora’s statue. “Just throw the quarter in and make wish while it sinks.” She glanced at Nathan, winking when he looked to her for reassurance.
To show how to do it, Tessa tossed her coin in, wishing hard to be able to find JJ and get her chance back. Nathan watched, then copied her actions, closing his eyes as he wished to himself.
Their coins sank beneath the surface and Tessa hoped that whoever was listening would help their wishes come true. They needed all the Bride luck they could get.
Her excitement faded. She’d given in to the lure of easy wishing. Throwing money into the fountain wasn’t going to fix her mistakes or find her JJ. Defeat pulled at her shoulders and she slouched forward, rubbing her forehead. What was she doing? Procrastinating?
She had to tell Nathan the truth. He was waiting to find a man that Tessa might have run off.
Turning, she took Nathan by the shoulders until he faced her. She squatted to take a seat on the edge of the fountain. “Nathan, honey, I need to tell you something.” She licked her lips. What was she... no, she could do it. “You’ve already met your dad.”
Nathan narrowed his eyes. “I have?” He ran through the men he’d met in his mind – which wasn’t many – and he knit his eyebrows. “Who? He didn’t like me?”
Poor boy. Tessa had put the blame on herself, too, when she’d been growing up. Anytime anything had come up about her father, she’d jumped to the conclusion that he’d left because of her.
Shaking her head, she wiped at Nathan’s suddenly present tears. “No, he didn’t leave. I pushed him away. He likes you very much. I would even say he loves you. He always wanted you. He still wants you. I left. This was all my fault. I’m trying to fix it, Nathan. I’m trying to make this right. When we find him, I’ll beg him to take me back, take us.” An ache throbbed in her chest as she watched emotions from confusion to sadness and then anger muddled up the innocence on his face. “Your dad is Jeremiah Jackson. He’s been your dad all this time – even before we came back to Bride.”
Disbelief and wonder widened her son’s eyes. He grabbed her hand. “Mom, we have to find him. I knew he should be my dad. I knew it! Please, we have to find him.” He tugged on her arm, but he didn’t know where to go either.
Just out of the periphery of her vision the edge of a bench protruded from the side of a flowering bush. “Let’s sit on the bench and see what we come up with. I know if we work together, we can figure out what to do.” She had to include him. This was his life, too.
They walked thoughtfully around the bushes, ta
king in the sunny outdoors and the seemingly happy spring day. Nothing seemed to be right. How could there be such a bright day in the world when Tessa might have ruined everything?
She glanced up as they approached the bench and stopped. Her chest swelled as she claimed a long, unbelieving breath. She blinked, unsure just what to do.
JJ sat on the bench, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. His head hung low as he seemed to study the pattern on his cowboy boots.
Could it be that simple? Throw in a coin and there he was? She didn’t want to move or startle him in case he suddenly disappeared. He could be an apparition of her own longing.
Nathan’s slight gasp beside her spurred her forward. His enthusiasm and instant acceptance of JJ’s place in their life humbled her.
Tessa swallowed, stepping toward JJ as she suddenly wanted to be anywhere but there. She reached into her back pocket and pinched the paper for reassurance and luck. She didn’t want to end up like her mom. She wanted to be happy. She wanted love. She wanted to set her pride aside and get what she wanted.
She could do that.
Only feet away, Nathan’s voice burst through the spring day silence. He broke from Tessa’s grasp and rushed to JJ’s side. He tugged on JJ’s jacket. “You're here! You're here! We just wished for you. Well, I wished for a dad, but I wished he was you. Mom said you are my dad.” Nathan bit his lip, then continued. “She said you always wanted me. Do you still want me?”
JJ jerked his gaze up, leaning back. Surprise etched in the soft lines of his strong features. He placed his arm around Nathan’s shoulder and nodded, his expression tightly controlled. “Yeah, buddy. I always wanted you. I want you even more now that I know you.” He glanced from Nathan to Tessa, tears in his eyes. “Why are you here? I can’t believe you finally told him.” Gratitude banished any anger from his face.
Holding back her own overwhelming emotion, Tessa shrugged. “Ellora called to me.”