Bride and Prejudice Read online

  But JJ backed away. “Alright then. I’ll get a calendar together and we can discuss the schedule. Thanks, Tessa.”

  The absence of his heat brought goose bumps to her arms. An ache inside her filled her with resentment. It wasn't fair that he could still affect her after all this time.

  Chapter 16

  JJ

  Who would've thought spending time with such a small person would leave JJ feeling inept?

  Nathan had commented on the most random of things with such profound insight JJ realized he had blocked out so much of who he was as a person since becoming an adult. Since becoming jaded by pain and all kinds of things.

  At seven-years-old, Nathan hadn’t yet been altered by other people’s choices in his life. He had his mother championing for him. From the way he laughed and spoke confidently, Tessa took great care of him. He was far from neglected and he was obviously well-loved.

  JJ remembered what it was like to be loved by Tessa. She was giving and nurturing and overly attentive. She’d be more so as a mother and he had missed out on her as a new mom as she’d discovered the different ins and outs of motherhood.

  Since declaring to Tessa he wanted Nathan in his life, he realized just how much he actually meant it. What if he wanted Tessa in his life as well? Would she be offended, if he asked her? How would he even approach the subject? He’d have to set things in motion somehow, but... how? She knew about Celeste. Celeste knew about her.

  He was with Celeste. He had to end things with her, if he even wanted to consider going after Tessa and his son. He’d gone from stable and expectations with Celeste to seeking upheaval and more-than-likely-despair with Tessa. But... his son.

  Nathan was worth so much more than just pain. If Tessa wasn’t interested, JJ would be fine. He’d survived a broken heart from her. Finding out at the beginning if Tessa was willing to try again would be better than chasing after her and falling again only to be stomped on. He didn’t want to face forever alone, but he’d do what he needed to do to have Nathan in his life.

  JJ found his way down the street. The closer he got to his place, the slower he walked. He didn’t want to go inside. He and Celeste had a standing arrangement where she would stay over during the week. They’d set it up to avoid the messy issues of checking to see what the other wanted to do. She’d be at his place, waiting. She might have a bottle of wine and with the late hour she might have some kind of dessert waiting for him.

  JJ stopped altogether at the building underneath his apartment. He leaned back, his hips hitting the brick windowsill and he leaned back, taking in the moon hanging low over the town with the stars spread out like little specks of sparkly glass. For a spring in Bride, no clouds in the night sky were abnormal and JJ hoped it wasn’t a sign of an abnormally hot summer.

  “Ugh.” He leaned his head back. What was he doing? He had a great woman upstairs, waiting for him. She was gorgeous and warm and wanted the same things he did. She supported everything he did and never lied to him. She was steady and stable and loyal.

  Jillian had approved of Celeste. She’d assured him that he was making the right choice. He’d asked her a couple times what would happen if Tessa came back. Jillian had answered the same each time he’d asked – “If Tessa wanted a chance, she better come back before Celeste swept JJ off his feet”. He’d never come around to being “swept off his feet”.

  She’d been adamant about her answer with JJ. She’d refused to believe that Tessa deserved any second chances. But that was Jillian. She was hard as they came and was a true believer of tough love.

  There he stood, wishing Jillian hadn’t died, hadn’t brought Tessa home, hadn’t disrupted his life of routine and consistency, comfort. Jillian died and left him with so many unanswered questions as well as an opportunity to see Tessa again. His son. His life had been flipped topsy-turvy and now if he wanted to pursue the things he really wanted, he would have to unsettle his life even more.

  Tessa was back. JJ didn't know for how long, but now that he had her in his grasp, did he have the right to say he wasn't letting go? Now, when she had his son?

  His heart hurt at the conversation he would have to have with Celeste. Would he be able to keep her? His selfish need to keep his life on an even-kilter overwhelmed his need to figure things out right away. Addressing the situation in the morning was more appealing than dealing with it right then.

  Yep, he was going with the cowardly route. He didn’t have enough in him to do it any other way.

  Pushing off the bricks, JJ sighed and rounded the back of the building to take the rear stairs up. He climbed the steps slowly, not excited to go through the door. Lights glowing through the windows on the second level told him Celeste was there, just as he’d expected. Normally those lights were something great to go home to.

  But that night, they just reminded him of his cowardly decision to keep his secrets to himself for another night.

  He knew why the lights were on. A woman he had promised to love was inside, waiting for him.

  Even though he’d promised to love her, he had never been able to actually fulfill his promise. He'd never been able to give her his heart. Honestly, he’d always hoped he’d fall for her.

  Not falling for her had kept his offer of marriage on the backburner. Celeste had always claimed to be too busy to start a family.

  But when you lived in a town called Bride which was rich with history of romance and marriage, it was hard to ignore the fact that they'd been together for years and had never actually moved forward. JJ didn't even want her living with him on a permanent basis. What would Celeste say when JJ said he wanted to have Tessa in his life? He wasn’t sure what the definition of their relationship could be, but did he need to tell Celeste if he wasn’t sure?

  They had never even really addressed the issue of Tessa.

  “Stop, just stop.” JJ muttered to himself as he reached the top step. He wasn’t going to tell her yet. He couldn’t handle the potential fallout.

  His shoes whispered on the carpet as he reached the door. He claimed a steadying breath.

  Pushing the door open, JJ plastered a fake smile on his lips and closed the door behind him. Celeste sat on the couch with a book open and a glass of wine resting on the table beside her.

  Her long legs draped over the cushions as she twirled a piece of her bright red hair around her finger. She glanced up from the book. Smiling, she slid a bookmark into the page and shut it, setting it on the cushion under her leg. Reaching for her wine glass, she motioned gently with her chin toward the glasses in the kitchen. “Grab a glass. Jeremiah, I’m so glad you're here. How was your day?” She didn't mention his arrival was later than usual. She didn’t immediately mention meeting Tessa earlier in the day.

  Celeste didn’t bring up the fact that most nights lately had been later than normal. She didn't speculate where he'd been and JJ knew she wouldn’t. She wasn't the type.

  “It was good, thanks.” He shrugged out of his suit jacket and hung it on the back of a chair. Kicking his shoes off, he padded over to the kitchen and selected a glass from the hanging wine glass set positioned above the makeshift mini wine cellar.

  No matter how much he tried to stall, he still found himself sitting beside her on the couch in seconds. He reached forward and poured himself three fingers worth from the bottle she’d indicated. He leaned back against his leather couch cushions, sighing as he sipped the rich Bordeaux.

  The moment in the living room was one of many that he’d spent with Celeste. He owed her honesty. He couldn’t wait. Sure, he wanted to wait because he was nervous for her reaction, but while he didn’t love her, he cared deeply for her. He thought of her as a friend with benefits.

  Celeste would appreciate blunt honesty. Heat flushed his face. JJ’s shame grew and it stemmed from a culmination of events and decisions. Mostly, though, from the fact that he’d been so cowardly he hadn’t wanted to be honest as soon as he’d realized what he really wanted.

  JJ didn't
know if she would be mad or sad... he didn’t want to hurt her, but he was dragging it out which was essentially hurting her more in the long run. He didn't know what was going on. He didn’t know what way was up from down.

  Celeste poured another glass and smirked at him. “You’re not drinking. Is everything okay?” She watched him and something in her eyes challenged him to lie.

  He left the challenge on the ground. Taking a deep breath, JJ gathered the moment around him. He spoke slowly and calmly. “I have a child.” He thought he would blurt it out and regret the words, but claiming it, owning his son, even in the darkness of his living room only to Celeste was empowering and he longed to say it again. He wanted to run to the window, fling it open, and yell it to Bride.

  “I know.” She sipped her drink, watching him with an all-knowing gaze.

  Her simple phrase sucked the wind from JJ’s fortitude. She knew. Plain and simple. And of course she knew. She lived in Bride and Bride was a small town. No one in town held anything back or kept any of the gossip to themselves. But how had anyone in town found out? As far as JJ knew, no one had known about the boy and Tessa wasn’t the type to run around telling people ‘look at me, I had a child with Jeremiah’. JJ hadn’t told anyone either.

  JJ froze, his cup suspended in midair. “You do?” What was he supposed to say? Did he ask her how she’d found out?

  Celeste tilted her head to the side, slight tinge of frustration in the twist of her lips. “Come on, JJ. The child you have with Tessa Sinclair. I met the boy at the grocery and when I asked Tessa – in not so many words – she confirmed it. Nathan looks exactly like your pictures. I think it’s sweet she named him after your father.” She set her wine glass down and folded her arms as she leaned forward, dropping her feet to the ground. “When were you going to tell me my competition was back?”

  JJ shook his head, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees. He set the wine down even though he wanted to drink the entire bottle without taking a breath. “It's not like that. Celeste, it's not a competition.” The twists were coming faster and JJ didn’t want to lose the control he pretended to have.

  Her laugh wasn't mean or condescending but more on the sad side. “But it is. She was my competition before she came back. You think I didn’t know you and Jillian talked about Tessa’s return? Please. I might look this way, but I’m not stupid. I’ve held out all this time, hoping and praying that you would figure out just how much you need me. I tried making myself indispensible. But...” She pressed her lips together and studied him. “No. Now that she's here? And she has your kid? I don't stand a chance. I knew I was fighting with the memory. But I can't fight when she's actually here.”

  “I never meant to hurt you. My feelings... inexcusable. I don’t have any defense for this.” Sadness welled in JJ's chest. He would probably never be with Tessa again. She'd left him before. JJ was sure he could try and he’d be locked in perpetual hell, like he’d trapped Celeste all this time. He was more determined to have Nathan in his life than to succumb to the fear of being alone and sad for the rest of his life. If Tessa didn’t want him, that was fine. He wouldn’t force anyone.

  But he had to let Celeste go so he wasn’t being unfair to her.

  Celeste was a good person and she didn't deserve anything JJ had done. He felt lower than dirt and he didn’t want to meet her gaze. After a full sixty seconds of silence, he finally raised his gaze to hers and asked quietly, “What do we do?”

  Her bitter laugh didn’t last more than a short guffaw. She shook her head. “You have a son. I'm not even going to try to fight with that.” She pushed herself up and looked down at him. “If I was the type, I would dance in front of the fountain naked and hope for a man who would love me the way I deserve to be loved. But I'm not into that.”

  No, Celeste was too practical. She wasn't extremely emotional and she didn't like public displays of affection. Not like Tessa always had. He needed to stop. His days comparing anyone to Tessa were over. If he couldn't be with the woman he loved, he wouldn’t be with anyone.

  Celeste grabbed her spring jacket from the hook by the door, the jingle of her keys loud in the apartment.

  JJ turned, leaning his arm on the arm of the couch. “Where are you going?” He didn't need her to leave. Sleeping in the guest bedroom was an option while she figured out what she was doing. He didn't want to end their relationship with bad feelings.

  Celeste smiled and shrugged. “Why drag it out? I’ll come over next week or whatever and pick up my stuff. Remember? I still have my own place.” She gave him a long contemplative look. “Take care, Jeremiah. I hope she doesn’t hurt you again.”

  He nodded tightly, both from gratitude and agreement. There was a reason they’d both kept a level of independence. They’d both known on some level that a convenient out would be best to maintain.

  As she walked out the door and closed the door behind her, the sudden snap as it shut left the room feeling emptier and JJ couldn't feel more alone.

  That’s when it struck him.

  He was completely alone.

  He closed his eyes to block out the empty room and suddenly, his memories slammed him back to when he stood in front of the altar. His wedding day. He held his breath, counting how many steps it would take to get from where he was to the door. Tessa would be there any second. He’d see her dressed in her gown and she’d have flowers. He’d prepared vows and he creased them in his grasp and he twisted the paper nervously.

  JJ had been so certain that Tessa wanted the same things he did. She wouldn’t let him down. They had a family to build and a future to plan. He didn’t want anything without her.

  He’d glanced up at the sight of Jillian walking through the door – alone. Why was she alone? She was supposed to be walking Tessa down the aisle. The brightness of the chapel had darkened and the faces of the guests had blurred. Something in Jillian’s expression foretold of doom, but JJ hadn’t known how bad it would be.

  Tessa wasn't coming.

  His vows had dropped silently to the floor and he’d scanned the building for a way out, an escape that would take him straight to Tessa to convince her she was just nervous. He needed her. Desperation as raw as if he was still there worked its way up the back of his throat.

  For the first time since he'd met Tessa, standing there in that church, he had felt the loneliest he'd ever felt. Standing in front of a roomful of people who all loved him and Tessa and JJ had never felt more alone. He’d promised himself that she would never do that to him again, no matter how much he would pine for her.

  Yet, there he was, opening his eyes to an apartment that had been filled with something, not love, no, but something that wasn’t dejection.

  Once again, his loneliness reared its ugly head and the resurfacing was because of Tessa.

  JJ couldn’t make anything right. He didn’t know how to adjust his expectations when Tessa had changed in seven years. Dang, JJ had changed. No one went through that amount of time without some kind of growth, some kind of maturity. Tessa was a mom. That was enough to change anyone.

  His disappointment wasn’t new. He was on perpetual rerun. Anger swelled in his chest. She'd kept his son and the woman he loved from him. Tessa had stolen his happiness and then she’d traipsed into town and didn’t apologize for stealing everything from him.

  Standing, he jumped toward the door. He reached for the handle, but then he stopped and stared at the door.

  Defeat dragged his shoulders into a slump. A whiff of Celeste’s perfume lingered on the air. JJ reached up and rubbed at the soreness in his neck.

  There was nothing he could do. Not in anger. He had maybe one shot. What if Tessa gave him another chance? All he could do was try. He didn't have any more pride left. He had nothing left to lose.

  The question needed to be asked. What if she didn't want him? What if she gave him a chance and, then... she left again?

  He didn't know if he had enough energy or strength to survive something l
ike that once more. Returning to his seat on the couch, he gave in to his need to drink the bottle of wine. Thankfully, he had two more just like it sitting in the portable cellar.

  Chapter 17

  Tessa

  Tessa pulled the Avengers shirt over Nathan's head. He put his hands up through it and side eyed her. “Mom, I'm seven. You don't have to dress me anymore.” He sighed in exasperation but he wasn’t mad.

  Laughter bubbled from Tessa's lips, almost against her will. “I just want you to stop growing. I'm trying to think if I can stop feeding you. Do you think that will make you stop growing?” She arched an eyebrow at him and poked his chest gently just over Hulk’s head.

  “No! I like to eat. If you make any broccoli, I’ll stop eating.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her and pulled his pants on.

  “Well, it sounds like we’re having broccoli every meal now.” She grinned, and pushed herself to a standing position. Moving to the bed, she sat on the old mattress her mom had kept for her and ran her hands over the printed, worn cover. “Did you have fun with JJ last night?” She held a forced casualness in her tone, but she wanted to ask him so many questions without freaking Nathan out. He’d know something was weird and then he wouldn’t answer her.

  Nathan scrunched his lips and sighed. “Yeah, but you already asked me that. He's really nice, Mom. I like him. I think he understands me. That’s what men need – to be understood.”

  Tessa smiled. She had asked already. Her too-smart son picked up on the smallest things. She turned and lay down, staring up at the ceiling. The stars were more than she wanted to count right then but if she remembered from growing up and counting them there were two-hundred-and-seventeen stars on the ceiling. When she would turn off the light, they’d filled her vision with a greenish glow that looked nothing like real stars.

  Nathan flopped down beside her. He rested his head by hers and the soft heat of his skin warmed her ear and cheek.