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  And also throw up a little bit.

  I waited to ask her a barrage of questions, walking alongside her with an extra bounce in my step.

  She stopped just outside the line of sight of the guards. “We can’t go any further. If we need help, the guards will need to be able to see us. I can get back in their sight in less than five steps, but any further and we run the risk of being in more danger.” She scanned the ground, kicking at tufts of vegetation protruding from the snow blanket. The closer she got to a large tree trunk or collection of bushes, the thinner the white became, revealing more roots and plants not buried.

  I crossed my arms, my sweater thicker than a t-shirt, but not thick enough I’d would last long in the frosty outdoors. “What are you afraid of?”

  She barked a laugh, the sound echoing off the walls of trees. “Out here or in there? Both. More than I should be probably. Not as scared as you should be. But the longer you keep your secret, the safer you’ll be. You and your family.”

  “What could they do?” I drew my eyebrows together. I was already scared. More information on how to pinpoint the source of my fear would be welcomed.

  “Haven’t you noticed no one talks to you guys? Still, after all this time? I don’t even talk that much to you. There’s a tight group from before Rowan started letting more people in, but anyone that comes in now? No one is willing to get attached to them. The people you replaced...” She shook her head, working her throat. Her voice became strangled. “The people you replaced were an amazing family. Two teen boys, a mother, and a father. They were multi-talented. They helped everyone, never had an unkind thing to say.” A tear slipped down her cheek, but she didn’t continue, just stared into the forest past my shoulder.

  “What happened to them? How is it my fault?” It must have been an awful accident or something that would traumatize the whole family or destroy them all. I crossed my arms, shivering while I waited for her answer. I needed to know how we were to blame for so long.

  “From what my husband reported, you arrived at the gate and Ethan spied you from the watch tower. He wanted you. Rowan has been trying to get him to settle on one girl, instead of using them all. So Rowan let you in and interviewed you. Just like he does everyone who comes to the gate. Some he keeps and some he sends away. It’s the ones who stay that are never truly safe.” She sniffed, and lifted her head. “While you waited in the holding area? We were evicting the family. I can still hear Kathy crying.”

  “Evicting them? Why? Where did they go?” I narrowed my eyes and searched the woods around us like the family waited there to kill us and take their spots back. “Do you think they’re still out here?”

  “No.” Her whisper bounced off the trees back at us.

  I glanced sharply at her face, the sudden pallor alarming. “What happened?”

  Shame shadowed her eyes. “Rowan ordered some of the men to take the family to the ditch in the back corner...” Her gaze begged me not to make her go on. Not to continue with the confession.

  But I didn’t back down. I had to hear every detail and she had to tell me what happened.

  She thrust her lower jaw forward and spoke through her grinding teeth. “They killed that family. A round of bullets. Because we didn’t have room for you and them and Ethan wanted you.”

  “That’s not possible. Why... why would that even be possible?” Horror stole my breath and I struggled to keep my empty stomach from trying to void more.

  Cammie’s volume rose in frustration. “Really? Don’t you ever notice the people disappearing and the new faces coming in? We never see anyone in the clinic with a major sickness. If you get too sick and you can’t work, you’re out. Plus, you’re a danger to the community, so they won’t keep you.” She nodded toward my still-flat stomach. “What do you think they’ll do with an infant who isn’t worth anything and a woman who is incapacitated by delivery?” She wiped roughly at the wet skin beneath her eyes and bent to yank roughly at a small tuft of weeds – yanking thinly, elongated bulbs from the ground.

  I couldn’t answer. Too many truths fell around me like those bombs during the war. Had I noticed anything out of the ordinary? Or had I been too wrapped up in my own drama with Bodey and Ethan to notice other people? So busy avoiding Ethan and too tired to do anything more social with my day than say hello to the meal delivery person, I had been more grateful than anything not to be pressured into socializing. Was my first priority escape? If I left, where would I go for medical help? I couldn’t deliver my own baby. I couldn’t even do all the medical care without assistance from Cammie.

  “How do they decide who to keep and who goes?” I needed logical answers, but I also needed information to pass along to John. Nothing would keep me from sharing my newfound knowledge, even if it was conjecture or rumor. A family was gone because of us, regardless of how.

  “Any time someone new comes, Rowan gets rid of someone who isn’t as valuable, if the newcomer has a skillset. If the new people don’t have skills, they aren’t allowed inside. He has a points scale. If the new people have skills, he has a scoring to go along with that, as well as what they choose at the table and how their character is. If he determines you’re in, someone else will... go.” She avoided my gaze, searching the ground for more plants.

  I couldn’t speak. What did one say following a revelation of such magnitude? “Why isn’t anyone stopping Rowan? Cammie, this isn’t right.”

  “Do you really think he would allow that? You think Rowan doesn’t have informants everywhere?” She leaned closer to me, her voice lowering. “Do you think anyone wants to return to scavenging for food? Being cold? Seeing the dead, the dying, and have no way to help them? Seriously, how do you help starvation when you’re hungry yourself?” She shook her head and jerked from me.

  “Why are you warning me now?” I hugged my waist tight, gripping my jacket to warm my fingers.

  “If you have a baby... Against my better judgment, I like you. You’re a hard worker and you learn fast. If Ethan still wants you, then you haven’t given into him which means you have integrity. You must be worth liking.” She bent and picked a leafy branch, small but bright green. The cold weather hadn’t killed the plants low to the ground as they maintained a dormant state. Her compliments fell like forced observations around us. Like she liked me but didn’t want to.

  She stood upright, her eyes suddenly piercing. “Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t even tell the men in your house, because you don’t want to put them in the position of knowing and hiding it. No one. I’m not sure if Rowan would have you all killed, keep you, kill the baby, what. I just know it can’t be safe.” She tore into the roots of a plant with heart-shaped leaves. “Ginger. This and the mint is all I need. Let’s get back”

  And like that she changed the topic, as if we’d never discussed people dying because Rowan said so.

  Like we didn’t live in a community that tolerated killing, accepted it, condoned it, performed it.

  My nausea reared its ugly head and I fought back the bile as I followed her to the compound, to a prison far worse than any campsite I could imagine.

  Chapter 15

  I hadn’t felt normal since Cammie and I returned from the forest.

  Three days ago.

  I hadn’t had a chance to really talk to John and of course Bodey was out of the question. The less he knew the better at that point.

  Working to do as she’d instructed, I kept to myself and didn’t seek out attention.

  Chopping and bruising the mint leaves and ginger root Cammie had given me on the cutting board in my bunker, I stuck to a routine. Water boiled on the stove in a stainless steel teapot and I waited for the whistle. The ingredients for my tea scraped easily into the strainer she’d let me borrow from the kitchen. I placed the knife into the sink.

  Every step was rote. I had the tea three times a day. The steps already ingrained into my calming rituals.

  When the water was ready, I splashed it over the tea
strainer into my mug and breathed in the aromatic steam. The scent alone was enough to calm my roiling stomach.

  John wasn’t around much to talk to. I hadn’t had a chance—

  Okay, that was a lie. There had been plenty of chances to consult with John, but how did I discuss something when I couldn’t even wrap my head around the nature behind the facts.

  John walked in, yawning. “Last night was not the night for sleeping apparently.” He crossed to the fridge and pulled out grape juice Cammie and I had pressed in the kitchen a month back. He reached over me, sniffing the scents of the tea. “Oh, that smells good. What’s in it?”

  I cradled the mug in my hands, for warmth and courage. Maybe that morning would be the one. “An herbal tea Cammie gave me. Why didn’t you sleep?”

  “Stupidest thing. I slept for a little bit but the dream I had was just too real feeling. I couldn’t get back to sleep. Ever had one of those?” He leaned against the counter as he poured some juice into a glass.

  “Oh, yes. That’s the worst.” But it wasn’t. A nightmare wasn’t the worst. Not when reality overshadowed the dream with horror and pain.

  I struggled to sip the tea. I didn’t even want sugar in it, but at the same time, I did. The green-tinted water darkened the longer I left the strainer in its depths. Cammie had warned about going over three to four minutes. The longer leaves soaked, the more bitter the brew became.

  “So what’s going on that you’re not sleeping? Anything I can help with?” He shifted to the table, claiming a seat and sipping the juice. Breakfast wouldn’t arrive for another hour or so. We’d both gotten up early enough we had some time to kill. Before things had gone to hell, I would’ve watched the news with Mom or taken longer in the bathroom doing my hair.

  John’s casual concern struck me deep in my chest. My ribs tightened or maybe that was my throat – something made it suddenly difficult to breathe. I lifted my mug in an attempt to loosen my anxiety with a sip. But Cammie had only promised a lessening of nausea, not anxiety or stress.

  “You’ve been up early the last three mornings.” He glanced at me when I didn’t respond and furrowed his brow. “Kelly, what’s going on?”

  I had to tell him. I needed to share the burden and repeating Cammie’s words about the family in our bunker before us was easier than discussing the true meaning behind my worry.

  Until he asked, “What brought that up?”

  I inhaled slowly. If I said it out loud, then the possibility became a reality. Deep down, I secretly thought she was right. “Cammie thinks I might be pregnant.” My tone didn’t carry far.

  John stiffened, his shoulders squaring. He studied me. “Do you think you are?”

  I shrugged, as if I was indifferent when I was anything but. “I’m not sure. I don’t know what it feels like, you know?” Did it feel terrifying and discouraging? Did you feel like you’d failed somehow? Did you feel sad and mad all at once?

  And if you did feel all that, was it okay to be a little excited and maybe even a tad hopeful?

  “Don’t tell anyone, not even Bodey. Not yet.” His jaw clenched and he gripped the edge of the counter, fingers tightened until his knuckles paled.

  Not even Bodey? John’s first words weren’t excitement or even concern, but an order. I clenched my jaw, not to hold back anger but to contain the overwhelming loneliness. “Why?” I hated secrets and lies, yet they’d become my way of life since living in Freedom Pass. And a baby with Bodey was something to celebrate, no matter where we were.

  “Give me some time to see what I can do, see what a baby would mean. If what Cammie says is true, you might not be able to keep the child.” He spoke coldly, as if it really were an option – keeping my baby or... not.

  His seemingly offhand comment stung but I bit back my retort. He and Bodey were the only people I had and having a baby without their support would be harder than I could comprehend.

  Not that I wouldn’t do it, but the task would be harder.

  I didn’t say anything. Just waited for him to finish his juice in silence then walk from the room.

  Sipping my tea, I turned my back to the rest of the household, facing the wall so I didn’t have to acknowledge John when he left about twenty minutes later.

  I thought telling John would make things better. Why did I feel worse?

  ~~~

  Bodey brushed past my feet dangling off the end of the small couch in the living area. He reached for the bright green vest Rowan had the guards on the tower wear. “Hey, you feeling okay? You’re not supposed to be back for another hour or so.” He leaned over me, resting the back of his hand against my forehead.

  I closed my eyes at the contact, desperate to tell him. But I wasn’t even sure. No need to worry him just yet. If I knew for sure about the baby, even John’s orders wouldn’t keep my mouth shut. “You don’t have to leave right now, do you? We haven’t spent any time together since we got here.” I needed him to hold me, talk to me, and be like we were in the woods. Close.

  He pulled back, shrugging into the vest, avoiding my gaze. “Kelly, you know I have to go in when Rowan schedules me. I don’t want to be away from you.” He clenched his jaw, the muscles moving at the curve in front of his ear. “I have to go in early anyway. There’s a new group of guys being processed today and Rowan asked a couple of us to come in so we have extra hands available in case anything goes wrong.”

  I sighed, my insides aching with loneliness and worry. “You’re always working. Let’s get out of here. We could do it. We’ve been there before. Let’s just go.” I shimmied to my knees and took a hold of his hand. “We could, Bodey. Come on.” I wanted to run away with him, as far and as fast as we could go.

  He shook me off, anxiety crinkling the skin at the corners of his eyes. “No, we couldn’t. You were always hungry and tired. Thirsty. I remember sleeping by you and you whimpering in your sleep. Do remember how cold we were last winter? How desperate we were for heat? Even the smallest amount.” He strode across the tight carpet and slapped the wall under the thermostat. “We have heat, Kelly. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re never that desperate again.”

  Bodey suffered so I could have something I didn’t want – something insignificant as I watched pieces of me, pieces of us, drift away.

  My lips curved downward. “I don’t...” But the thought of our baby going through the weather extremes, the hunger and the cold cut me off. It didn’t make sense to put a small child through even the smallest amount of suffering. While the impact of possibly being pregnant hadn’t hit me full force yet, I could accept that I would deal with Ethan and anything else just so a baby wouldn’t have to live hours and days without food and warmth. Things hadn’t become so life-threatening inside the wall I had to sacrifice Bodey, John, or the baby.

  How the heck had people lived in these parts before the conveniences?

  If we hadn’t been forced to be nomadic, I think we could’ve done it. If we’d had a chance to settle down and grow things and find a routine, I think we would’ve done better than most.

  And we still had survived, but the urge to run the other way from survival was strong when faced with so many terrible situations.

  Bodey stood by the doorway, staring out the window at the wintery landscape. Snow had started to fall again and the peaceful white flakes drifted in oblivion. His shoulders slumped. “Look, let’s get through the new arrivals today and I’ll ask Rowan to get off early tomorrow. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

  I bit my tongue. He didn’t need to know Rowan and Ethan wanted nothing more than to make sure Bodey and I didn’t spend time together. If he asked to get off early, they would make his shifts harder to get through and sleep harder to find. He wanted to protect me? How could I protect him?

  Bodey deserved so much more.

  Nodding slowly, I met his eyes, fierce in my whisper. “I love you.”

  He pressed his lips together and nodded shortly. “You, too.” He padded off into the snow, dark in
dents in the white ground carpet the only evidence he’d been there when he disappeared out of sight.

  I returned my head to the pillow on the end of the couch and tucked my hands over my stomach. Could it be possible? Could I have a baby growing inside me?

  All-consuming need for my mom hit me. She wasn’t there and I had no one to talk to about what I was going through.

  John had shut me down.

  Bodey wasn’t in the right mindset to hear we might have a baby together – he struggled just to get through each day so I would be safe.

  Oh, the things we did for each other out of love.

  ~~~

  I rolled my shoulders, wincing at the tightness in my joints.

  Cammie passed me an ace bandage to rewrap around a gentleman’s ankle. She shook her head softly. “Those girls are getting on my nerves.”

  The women bugging her weren’t technically “girls” since the youngest had to be in her mid-twenties. About six of them had arrived an hour ago to restock items in the clinic while Cammie and I tended to patients. The women earned the title of girls because of their over-active giggling. I’d never giggled that much in my life, even when my dad used to tickle my brother and me while wrestling.

  I nodded slightly, focusing on the wrap job. Securing the end of the strip against the curve in his ankle with a safety pin, I offered a polite smile as he shifted from the chair and hobbled out. He didn’t acknowledge my efforts but mumbled to Cammie.

  Patting my back and softly shaking her head, Cammie handed me scissors and cloth tape. “Can you put these back, please? I can’t go over there. I might hurt them.”

  Shrugging off the man’s treatment, I grinned and walked to the inventory area.

  The women quieted at my arrival, but whispered amongst themselves as they loaded boxes onto the metal shelves.

  “Did you see the way he looked at Missy? Oh my...”

  “A ginger. I love it. Red hair is supposed to be a sign of virility.”

  “Did Rowan say his name was Shane or Shawn?”

  I froze, my arm outstretched to place the scissors in the appropriate box. Glancing over my shoulder, I dropped my hand, staring hard at the group of women. “Did you just say Shane?”