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  Chapter 4

  “Come on, you’re more excited than this, right?” Bodey side-stepped by me, giddy with his dad’s answer from the night before. He bounced on the balls of his feet with the energy of a new puppy.

  I couldn’t meet his gaze directly. “I think so? I’m not sure.” I mumbled. Lying to Bodey wasn’t the best way to pursue our relationship – married or not.

  “What do you mean, you’re not sure?” He stumbled on a raised root and pulled me to a stop beside him as he right himself. “What’s going on? You’ve been acting weird all morning.”

  I shrugged, more embarrassed by my actions, but unable to ignore my feelings. “John didn’t seem too thrilled about us getting married. He probably has a good reason, you know?”

  “Like what? What’s a good reason, when I love you and you love me?” He rolled his eyes. “Besides the pregnancy issue. I think we’re old enough to deal with that one on our own.” His eyebrows drew together tight and he frowned. His steps slowed and he came to a halt. A small breeze rustled the branches around us.

  I stopped, too, crossing my arms and staring at the ground. “Maybe the only reason you love me is because there’s no one left to love.” My pitiful whisper sounded like I begged for him to love me for any reason.

  He tipped up my chin so our eyes could meet. “Maybe. Or maybe I loved you before everyone else was gone because you stood out. There’s something about you. You always stand out. And I’m not the only one who noticed.”

  And like that he squelched my nerves on his dad’s reaction and the current societal situation. My insides warmed.

  “I was thinking, we could look in the town of Spirit Lake for something since Dad wants to go through there on the way to Bayview. They don’t have a lot of stores, but I think we can find something for our special day.” He grinned at me, taking my hand in his and swinging back and forth as he pulled me back into stride and perused our surroundings.

  His excitement bordered on pandemic contagious. Our special day. We wouldn’t be sending out invitations or even having rings or wedding cake, but it would be our day and we would be bound together.

  During the craziness we lived in, the normal act gave evidence that lives could move on – even as the rest of the world fell apart. Even with all the death and destruction and lawlessness, good things still happened.

  He was trying to make things fun and exciting for me. The least I could do was pretend or try to go along with it. “Sounds like a good idea!”

  We had basic needs that would need to be met, but I wouldn’t turn from the opportunity to stop strategizing for one scavenging trip. John had sent us ahead to look for dresses and most likely to give us some private time. A dress. The impracticality of one had me shaking my head. But the chance to wear one would not go wasted. I hadn’t worn anything girly in so long. I missed the right as a woman to wear dresses and look pretty.

  Makeup wouldn’t do me any good in the time period we lived in, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t look for anything to take and use while we searched for a dress.

  I didn’t even care if the material was white or not.

  And since everyone else seemed concerned about me getting pregnant, maybe we’d make an effort to look for condoms or something. But, how could I get pregnant when I barely ate enough to support myself, let alone a baby?

  A driveway curved off the back road we trekked. White vinyl fencing had been set up to look like split-rail fencing with only two-rails – top and bottom. Weeds overran tulip beds and flax lined the front of the drive, leading the way up the border of the driveway.

  “We don’t have to wait until town. We could just check out some houses, too. I don’t want to get too far ahead of John.” Plus, with an engagement making us more official and no chance Charlie’s gang or anyone else had followed us to the rural area, I wanted another chance seducing Bodey.

  I wanted my first time to be in a bed or on a couch – not in the woods or on the ground.

  The long drive led the way toward a well-kept house that hadn’t fallen into serious disrepair like so many. With the lawns overgrown but only a few weeks’ worth of growth, the gardens fresh and vibrant, the house reeked of current inhabitants.

  Judging by the lack of welcome, we had better introduce ourselves right away. If not, they could ambush us. Although anyone with a garden full of colored flowers during a time of hunger probably wasn’t waiting in the bushes with a machete to exact trespasser justice.

  Bodey knocked on the white door, glancing at the brick patio and chipped wrought-iron railing. No answer.

  We peered through the side window. No movement. On the way up the drive, we’d seen just about all of the property and no one had been in sight.

  Bodey knocked louder. “Hello?” He didn’t yell. Something felt off and neither of us looked all that confident as we shifted our eyes up and down and to the sides, looking for a clue as to what to expect.

  I turned the knob and pushed on the door. It swung open with little effort, the hinges well-oiled and quiet. I glanced at Bodey, surprise rounding my eyes.

  We stepped inside a tidy front room which had been dusted recently – vastly different from the usual light coating of dust in other homes.

  Red splatter covered the wall behind a figure covered in a blue crocheted blanket on a couch. I covered my mouth, looking away down the hall. As if I could avoid the sight and the coppery, rancid meat smell assaulting my senses.

  Bodey reached for my hand, pulling me tight to his side. We tip-toed from the living room into a dining room. Morning light flooded the many-windowed room and glinted off the shiny dining table.

  Six bodies sat in wooden kitchen chairs, heads lulled back with bullet holes in the center of their foreheads. The youngest couldn’t be older than thirteen. The age was difficult to gauge properly with the vacant expression and open eyes aimed toward the ceiling.

  Written on the wall in black Sharpie, big block letters spelled out, “We tried. Take what you need and God bless.”

  The smell, oh my word, the smell. The man in the office had been nothing like the odors in that house. Tears smarted at my eyes. They were a solid family with a stable home and they had given up.

  Was anything worth living?

  The smells overwhelmed me and I gagged, turning and fleeing from the house, hand pressed tight to my mouth.

  Seven people in all. I bent at the waist, my stomach clenching to empty itself of the precious liquid, small pieces of jerky, and oatmeal from the night before. My body couldn’t afford to lose even that little bit. If I didn’t let myself expel the horror I’d just seen somehow from my body, I would cry again and that was not an option.

  Suddenly beside me, Bodey rubbed my back. His hand traveled up and down my spine with a random pat here and there. “You okay?”

  He hadn’t thrown up or gagged or anything. His lack of reaction made me feel inferior. Why was I so weak about death? It’s not like it was our first time seeing dead bodies. Hadn’t I just killed a man not that long ago?

  To give myself a break, I had to admit it was the first time I’d seen such a large group give up. There didn’t even appear to be any struggle. How long had they waited? They couldn’t have been dead too long. I didn’t see any flies, but the smell had been worse than the man in the office at Charlie’s camp.

  That first glimpse of decaying death would never leave my mind.

  What if we’d been at the house a day or two earlier? What if we’d been able to save them somehow? I chewed at the side of my thumbnail, weak and rundown. I stood, Bodey’s hand felling away. As if on autopilot, I walked down the drive, away from the house.

  Bodey fell into step beside me. “Do you want to check the next house?”

  I shook my head, letting my feet find a path to our meeting place with John. “No, that’s okay.” The deadpan tone startled me but I didn’t care. I wasn’t interested anymore – in anything. My stomach hurt from losing the food.

  “What abou
t your dress?” Bodey stopped walking, waiting for me to stop and face him.

  “I...” I halted, staring over his shoulder, away from the house and into the forest. “You know how before all this started just the anticipation of something was the fun part? Looking for things to make an event was part of the fun, you know? Like a picnic? Getting the food together and packing was the excitement. Planning a wedding I would imagine would be a blast, intimate, something to do together.” I thrust my finger into the air between us – back and forth. “I want to do this and have it be an experience, but it takes the fun from it, what little there is, when we find bodies or see something like this. I just... I’m sorry, this kind of bummed me out.”

  He nodded, searching my face. “Do you still want to marry me though? Or was it too soon to ask?” He took my hands in his. “We just said I love you yesterday for the first time. If you think we’re kind of rushing this, you can tell me. We can take it easy. Do you want to go back to Dad and see what we can do to help today instead of doing this?”

  I rushed my words, intent on not letting him think I didn’t love him. “I’m not saying I don’t want to marry you. I’m saying I want a dress that’s white, even if it’s too big and I want to be excited about it, but I can’t when I know where it came from.” I pointed toward the house we left. “I can’t take a dress from there, if there was one, because of what I just saw, you know? I wouldn’t be able to wear it.” A tainted dress just didn’t sound like the type of way to start my marriage.

  “Okay, so we’re agreed. We’re going to get married. We just need to take the preparation slower.” He winked at me, his smile soft and encouraging. “I can do slow. I have more patience than you.”

  I scrunched my nose. “Hey, just ‘cause I don’t want to wait, doesn’t mean I’m not patient.” But it did mean that. Why should I be patient? Any day I could die. Any day I could lose Bodey or John. I wanted to be with Bodey not only because I loved him, but because some days I wanted to be close to him to dispel the ocean-swell of loneliness and fear. Maybe intimacy would help, maybe not.

  I was willing to try.

  Bodey grinned and we turned, falling into step again as we retraced our steps to camp.

  John wanted to work our way past Spirit Lake and would be grateful for help carrying camp instead of dragging the pole system of our supplies on his own.

  Seeing bodies was common and it made me sad that I had grown used to the idea that people didn’t survive. Discovering that many people in the type of living situation I dreamed about having just caused a burning sadness inside my heart.

  One out of ten made it. The family in that house had made it pretty long.

  Then they’d given up. Just like that. Gone. All of them. What had been the trigger to ending everything?

  I shook my head, careful to place my feet and not trip. How long would we be able to live by just surviving? I didn’t want to fight for food every meal.

  There was so much I would do for access to a shower and fresh water. And television.

  Some nights I dreamt about television. Colorful dreams with cartoons and famous actors. News. Even the stock reports would flash through my nightly visions and I couldn’t look away. I loved the flickering screens and bright colors.

  I missed shows. And books. And music. And easy access to food. How much further would the world crash before someone or something would start things back on track?

  ~~~

  The late night watch had passed without incident and I slept hard on my bed of rocks and moss. I rolled over when Bodey and John’s soft murmurings finally edged through my deep sleep. Blinking at the bright morning sky above the dark green pine canopy, I shifted to my back under my thin blanket. I used one above me and one below me.

  One of those days I planned on sleeping on a bedroll, we just had to find one for each of us. I closed my eyes against the bright light and drifted to a place where I wasn’t quite asleep but wasn’t completely awake.

  John’s voice drifted to me, the words clear in the early morning air. “You made it back fast. Did you tell her you were going?”

  “No, I was back before your watch ended so I didn’t see a reason to. I’ll tell her this morning.” He slurped at his cup.

  Did we have food? Suddenly awake, I half-sat, bracing on my elbows. “Tell me what?” My voice sounded like cracking branches. I swallowed, clearing my throat. “Did you go get food or something?” The scent of coffee wafted toward me. Suddenly alert, I jerked upright. “You got coffee!”

  I had only had the drink a couple times in my life and I hadn’t liked the bitterness, but the smell combined with the potential for something besides bark broth had my mouth watering and my anticipation mounting.

  Bodey shuffled toward me. He held out a mug, steam curling from the cup. “I brought you a present.” He reached into his pocket after I claimed the drink. He knelt on one knee.

  I glanced at John, eyebrows raised. With the coffee in my grasp, I couldn’t figure out what to do. Did I drink? Did I wait for Bodey to do whatever he was doing?

  Holding his closed fist outstretched, Bodey spoke slowly. “Kelly, I know things have been moving fast, but I don’t think we have time out here for slow. We know what waiting can do. I love you and I don’t need more time to make sure. Will you marry me?” He opened his hand and a simple gold band rested on his palm.

  Pressing the blanket to my chest, I reached carefully for the ring, taking the small circle between my forefinger and thumb. The simplicity of the band’s light gold appearance impressed me.

  I held the ring, meeting his gaze. “Thank you, yes. But—”

  He held up his hand, rising from his kneeling position. “Wait, before you argue your way out of our engagement, let me finish with my surprises.” He bent down and helped me to my feet. “Okay, wait right there. Oh, close your eyes. Yeah, do that.” He waited, foot tapping with impatience.

  I closed my eyes. I hated surprises with a passion. Bodey didn’t know that about me yet, so I did what he wanted, but desperately longed to peek.

  After a few moments, Bodey rustled and shuffled and then breathlessly said, “Okay. Open your eyes.”

  Slowly lifting my eyelids, I stared at a dress in his arms. A simple white summer dress without sleeves draped across his arm, fine flower embroidery decorated the sheath style dress.

  “Oh.” I breathed, approaching him and reaching out to finger the material. Soft cotton would breathe and move without much difficulty. Tucking my hands behind me, I glanced at Bodey, emotion pricking at my eyes. “You got this for me?”

  “Yep. I went shopping last night. It wasn’t easy, but I searched a few places and found it for you. I’m not sure how it will fit, but I know it’s not too small for you.” He glanced at the dress and then back at my face. “Do you like it?”

  “I do. It’s beautiful. Thank you.” I offered a small smile, nervous to touch the white dress again.

  “Take it. If you don’t like it, I can look some more.” Worry creased between his brows.

  “No, I love it. I just don’t want to get my dirty hands on it.” I longed to rub my cheeks on the cloth, feel something besides rough canvas and dirty t-shirts. We never washed our clothes. We didn’t have any time or the right resources.

  Bodey pulled out a plastic bag and tucked the dress inside, tying the handles into a simple bow. “I didn’t either, so I packed it in this. I couldn’t find any shoes. You might be stuck with your boots.” He bit his lower lip. How could he be unsure of such a romantic gesture?

  I leaned forward, whispering before kissing him. “Thank you so much. I can’t wait to marry you.” I placed my hand on his chest above his heart and gazed into his eyes.

  “How about tomorrow?” John’s question startled Bodey and I apart.

  Glancing between father and son, I allowed myself a little bit of excitement. The dress, the ring, the proposal, and maybe a date? I hadn’t imagined we would actually be allowed to have the day, the moment, to unit
e us together.

  Bodey met my gaze, his questioning. “What do you think? I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

  “Pressured? Oh my gosh, I would love to. Are you sure it’s not too early for you?” I hopped on the balls of my feet, unable to contain my giddiness.

  Turning to his father, Bodey inclined his head. “If you would do us the honor, Dad, of marrying us, tomorrow would be perfect.” Their eyes met and something passed between them.

  John approached me, taking my hands from Bodey. He smiled softly, his eyes moist. “Kelly, I’m very excited to actually have you as my daughter. I’ve cared for you like my own and grown to love you the same. Now you’re going to officially be a member of this family. I’m very...” He paused, swallowing. “Well, I wish my wife was here to see your union. She’d probably do a better job marrying you, too.”

  “I have my mom’s Bible, if you’d like to use it?” I didn’t mention anything religious often, but Mom’s book didn’t feel like a religious token, more like a memory of her. Something I wanted there so a small part of her could be present, too.

  “Of course. Why don’t you both work on vows to share tomorrow and we’ll go after breakfast. Today, we need to reorganize our things and see if we can find some more blankets. I don’t know about you two, but mine are almost see-through.” He patted our shoulders and reached for his cup he’d set down. “Bodey, great find on the coffee. I haven’t had any in so long, I almost forgot what it tasted like.”

  Vows? I could do vows. “Can we work together on our vows?”

  “If that will make you happy.” Bodey leaned down and kissed my forehead.

  I couldn’t help the smile curving my lips. When we searched for blankets later, I would keep an eye out for condoms. “You make me happy.” I never thought I’d find happiness again.

  Maybe the worst was behind us. Maybe we could start looking toward good, better, and eventually best.

  Chapter 5

  My boots crunched on pine needles and dried fallen leaves.